I’m sorry, I just don’t get it. I don’t understand what all the hype is about. Seriously, the way people say that shit, you’d think he was a child-molestor and people needed to beware and keep their kids from sleeping over at the White House or something. I mean, how bad could it be, even if he was? What’s the absolute worst thing that could happen if that were the case?

(cue dream music)

INT. OVAL OFFICE, WHITE HOUSE – NIGHT

The President sits, slumped over his desk, the soft glow of the computer illuminating his face. He’s restless, tapping his silver pen on the mahogany polished desk. He leans over and buzzes the intercom.

JEEVES: Yes Mr. President?

OMABA: Hey Jeeves, could you please…fix me a milkshake?

JEEVES: Right away sir, I’ll have Betsy bring one up right away.

OBAMA: No! I’d prefer if…YOU did it…you know…yourself.

JEEVES: Okay…?

OBAMA: Oh, and make sure you take security with you…to make sure that…no bacon gets in it. You know I hate bacon in my milkshakes.

Beat.

JEEVES: Right away sir.

He hangs up. Obama stealthily creeps over to the door and presses his ear against it. Once he’s satisfied that everyone is gone, he scurries back to his desk, takes a single key from under his tongue, and opens the bottom drawer.

He pulls out a Bomb Vest, straps it on, glancing over his shoulder nervously.
Once strapped on, he exhales, relieved, and touches the vest tenderly, running his fingers over the cold, hard, solid bomb cannisters. He takes a deep whiff, as though smelling a long-lost lover. A slow romantic smile creeps across his face.

OBAMA: (to the vest) I missed you so much!

Lost in his lustful self-embrace, he doesn’t hear the door open behind him.

VOICE (O.S.): OMG HE’S A FUCKING MUSLIM!!!

Obama whips around in shock. SMASH CUT TO:

TITLE: The President is Secretly a Muslim. Run for Your Life!!!!

Nkt! Weirdos….